Does anyone besides me remember a cartoon creature called Timer that sang in Saturday morning commercial breaks about good nutrition? Timer looked like a half-masticated chicken wing with spindly legs and a top hat. He had a song about beans and rice, and he may have been the Cassandra of “drowning your food” by covering it in too many sauces and condiments.

Either some television executive in the nineteen seventies thought this was a good idea, or I got a hold of a box of Cracker Jacks with the wrong kind of tattoo prize inside.