What it all comes down to is that I did not post yesterday because of a comma.

The older I get, the less patience I have for people who misuse commas, a dastardly practice that includes not only inserting them in the wrong places but not inserting them in the right places.

Commas are infinitely powerful, but they are not rocket science.

Some people think that commas should be dictated by grammatical style. Early in their careers, editors pick a style and cling to it with the tenacity of snapping turtles. My chosen bible is The Chicago Manual of Style, which is the most comprehensive and thoughtful style there is. The Chicago Manual of Style is as thick as a phone book, and it actually has groupies who comb through each edition looking for errors and little in-jokes. I am not among them, but my devotion is unwavering.

The laziest and least thoughtful style is Associated Press, so of course this has been adopted by the largest number of people. AP style is used most by journalists, so I suppose the implication is that they are too busy running around in pursuit of hot stories to actually make their writing comprehensible. In recent days, with media companies relying on press releases from the White House for their “facts,” rather than doing any independent journalism, that justification has been invalidated.

One of the greatest bones of contention between Chicago and AP style is the use of the serial comma. Chicago says yes; AP says no. As I am sure you all are aware, a serial comma is the comma that should come before the last conjunction in a written list. (For example, it is the last comma in “red, white, and blue.”) For reasons I will not delve into here, there are many grammatical situations and constructions in which that punctuation is vital for clarity. Intelligent Chicago recognizes this and has standardized the practice. Slipshod AP feels that the conjunction alone is sufficient. It is the classic confrontation between Gallant and Goofus.

Yesterday, I was designing an invitation for an event at my alma mater, and I automatically inserted a serial comma where there was none. The woman in the public relations office wrote to me with a list of nonsensical (read: AP-based) changes to the text, including the removal of that vital comma. The matter-of-fact way in which my poor comma was dismissed so irritated me that I could focus on nothing else (including writing here) for the rest of the day. I even went so far as to tell them that they could choose not to pay me if they liked, but that I was not removing it. (I found the idea of a university opting for AP over Chicago particularly galling.)

There are such things as principles, after all, things more important than money. If one cannot stick by his commas, what can one stick by?

When I was in high school, one of my teachers had a list of approximately twenty-nine rules for the comma, and we all had to memorize it. People make a big deal about the Ten Commandments, going so far as to violate the Constitution by creating giant monuments to them on government property. I think we would all be better served if some brave and well-financed soul started chipping the Twenty-Nine Rules for Commas into a mountainside somewhere.

But that’s just me.

Update: I am considering renaming Goblin Foo Uvula. What do you think of "Snoozer Pantsuit, Girl Detective"?