Yesterday, I found out my credit card number was stolen and that someone in Moscow has been using it for cash advances. I suspect Boris Yeltsin is up to his old tricks, but this is not so tragic as it might seem, since I am being issued a new account and will not be held responsible for the loss.

This ties in so perfectly with my commentary on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” that I could just die.

“Queer Eye” is a television program in which four magical gay men, as well as Jai Rodriguez, burst into the life of a clueless straight man and unleash his true potential. Presumably, said potential would remain forever untapped should the Fab Four + Jai not spend many hours and many, many thousands of dollars whipping their victim and his home into shape.

The process is both engrossing and infuriating.

To start with the positive, the show is funny and entertaining, and it is based upon a premise that we knew all along: gay people are simply better than straight people in every way that matters. Thus is the “phobia” in “homophobia” explicable. They are afraid that if we are no longer oppressed second-class citizens, the sheer weight of our fabulousness will lead inevitably to world domination. All hail Emperor Carson the First!

But here is where things fall apart. Given our relative perfection, why are we wasting our time and skills and money on straight people? Would those resources not be better spent advancing our own cause? Television these days abounds in programming in which homosexuals or wannabe-homosexuals descend upon Breeder America (and occasionally Breeder Britain) bearing gifts: new fashion, new décor, new ideas for being fabulous. It is true this makes for good viewing, but at what cost to us? My apartment could use a new paint job and new window treatments, and something must be done about the stereo wires, but I don’t see any straight people lining up at the door to lend a hand. Hell, there are two burnt-out light bulbs I can’t get changed for love or money. Straight Guys, where are you when we need you?

Oh, that’s right. You are in your newly gorgeous homes, lounging around on the luxurious furniture Thom bought you, trying on the flattering new clothes lovingly chosen by Carson, applying hair product in the manner prescribed by Kyan, or eating the food whipped up by Ted. Well, get off your asses, because it is payback time! Home repair for starters, then how about taking a few minutes to write to your congressperson or the sanctimonious chimpanzee that calls itself “President” about our country’s deplorable state of gay rights? You have benefited from our resources for too long . . . is it not about time you returned the favor?

Oh, no . . . it’s bad enough you appropriate our time, energy, ideas, and money to transform your clueless lives, but now you have gone and stolen my credit card number and taken it to Moscow. I know it was you, Straight Guy. Don’t deny it. There are some things that gay people do not do. We do not wear hideous flannel shirts from the 1980s (except my boyfriend, god love him), and we do not steal each other’s credit card numbers and coax cash advances out of Communist ATMs.

I demand reparations.

P.S. If there are any Jai fans out there, I don't want to hear from you because I will never, ever change my mind about him. Not only is he the spitting image of a terrible person I dated twice (who tried to ruin my life), he also doesn't actually do anything on the show.

P.P.S. If you did not catch my three posts from yesterday, do us all a favor and scroll down.