No one doubted that President Goblin would win the War Against Squirrels in Central Park. Boston terriers are bigger than squirrels, after all, and they had previously crippled their enemies with thirteen dog-years of acorn sanctions. Goblin's approval ratings are through the roof. Seventy-three percent of the crazy homeless people within a three-block radius agree that Something Had to Be Done about the ruthless squirrel dictator, Laverne.

Riding on the coattails of her recent success, Goblin has recently been rattling her saber at the squirrels in Riverside Park. "We will topple your government!" she cries, cutting off ties and throwing the already tumultuous region of the Upper West Side into chaos. Riverside's theocratic dictator, Squirrelly, has been uncharacteristically silent.

More news as it develops.