Today's letter is a bit too delicate for my innocent little daughter to tackle, so I have sent Goblin to a tea party with her friends the "nighttime squirrels": Louise, Gladys, and Pashmina.

Dear David,

I was strolling in the park the other day and I ran into the boyfriend of a friend of mine. I see her all the time, but had not seen him in a while. So I was surprised to find him unshaven and reeking with pinpricks for pupils. I would like to say something to her, especially since they have a toddler, but what?! "...oh, how is Kevin? Mainlining? Spiralling toward rock bottom?...do say hello..." But they are the kind of people that resolve their disagreements by hitting each other with chairs, so maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie in their own filth. What to do?

-can't decide

David responds:
One assumes you did not whip out a kit and test Kevin's urine on the spot, so you cannot be certain of anything. When the physical safety of a child is at stake, however, it may be preferable to act upon less tangible evidence than would convict someone for murder. And speaking of that, if such action is likely to have the child's parents attempting to murder each other with the décor, perhaps direct intervention is not the best idea: as any poltergeist victim will tell you, the environment becomes even less safe when chairs are flying around the room.

If you are truly worried for the welfare of the toddler, you may need to report this situation to your local department of social services and let them look into it. It may be possible to do so anonymously, so as to preserve your relationship with your friend. If things heat up, she may need someone to turn to; you should volunteer to help out however you can—although you should not get sucked into her situation if it seems as if she is doing nothing to rectify it.

I would tell you to approach your friend directly, but someone with the temper you describe is likely to react badly, both to you and her boyfriend. This seems like the sort of thing best left to experts.

Wow. Good luck.

Goblin bursts in and responds:
Hello hello hello! I'm home from my tea party early! The cookies were stale and Pashmina had the plague and spoiled everything. Plague plague plague!

*choke*

It's snowing today and Uncle Bobby took me for a walk in the park. We went to Squirrel Holler and I chased some squirrels! Squirrels squirrels squirrels! I got into a fight with one and she yelled at me. But Uncle Bobby was cold and we came home. Stupid stupid stupid squirrels! I am going to be friends with the nighttime squirrels from now on. Daddy says nighttime squirrels are also called rats but I'm being politically correct. They're much more fun except for when they get the plague. Plague plague plague!

*sniffle*

Oh yeah. Advice. Daddy says I'm too young and sweet to talk about mainlining and beating people with chairs! So I'll talk about sleeping dogs and filth. Filth filth filth! I'm a dog and I sleep. Usually I sleep under the covers with Daddy and Uncle Bobby but sometimes I like to sleep in my crate. There are all sorts of smells in there that I made myself. I like them and they make me comfortable. Daddy says it's filthy but as soon as he cleans it I make more smells. Smelly smelly smelly! Dogs like to sleep where they're comfortable even if it's filthy and not good for them! We don't know that something else could be comfortable too but if we're not too comfortable we might be persuaded to consider something different.

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*