So we could end the recent spate of letters to Goblin on a positive note, I saved this one for last.

Dear Goblin,

I write to inquire about your status vis-à-vis companionship; that is to say, whether you might be what the humans commonly (and I mean the word in all its senses) refer to as "single."

If you have not formed any attachments, I would be most honored were you to allow me the pleasure of your company one afternoon or evening in the near future. Your sage advice has instilled in me a deep
belief in your sagacity and beauty; I also happen to have chanced upon a photograph of you among the papers of my human servant, and I hope you will not take it amiss if I say that you are most pulchritudinous. I believe that you will find me engaging, playful, witty, refined, attractive, and above all possessed of a delightfully aromatic butt.

Looking forward eagerly to your response, I have the honor to remain

Yr. very humble & obdt. srvt.

A.

Goblin responds:
Yes yes yes! I'm single! Daddy says it's best that I keep my options open vis-à-vis companionship so I'm not seeing anyone. Daddy says I should make a list of the qualities I want in a special friend and write it in hieroglyphs and leave it in the local café. Sometimes Daddy says the silliest things!

*yowl*

Daddy says that I'm the most pulchritudinous girl in the world! Me me me! Daddy says that I should be on the lookout for silver-tongued bandits who try to steal my heart. Daddy says I could go out with you if you aren't a silver-tongued bandit. Daddy says my curfew is nine o'clock. Daddy says I'm not allowed to sniff anyone's butt on the first date! Butt butt butt! Daddy says we have to be chaperoned!

*whine*

Yesterday I went for a walk and people gave me carrots! Carrots carrots carrots! I love carrots. Can you bring me some carrots too? I will give you a kiss if you do. Daddy says I shouldn't give too many kisses or people will think I'm easy but I can't help it. One time Pashmina tried to kiss me and I started to bleed. Pashmina kisses too hard! Pashmina says she just wants to kiss me to death.

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

I'm free a week from Tuesday.