There are those who no doubt wonder what I am doing giving other people advice when my own life is such a disaster. To them, I say: touché.

Instead, I shall turn over today's letter to someone who is clearly doing everything right. She is always happy and has all the love she can handle; she is beautiful, heads turn as she passes, and her excrement is immediately scooped up and spirited away by her adoring minions.

Dear Goblin: I work in an office with this really really really cute guy. We've gotten to be pretty good friends and I want to ask him out on a date. The obstacles to this are:

1. I'm 30 and he's 22.
2. He is technically speaking my boss (though the atmosphere is so informal that that dynamic doesn't really come into play).
3. He has only recently come out of the closet and is still slightly spooked about the whole dating thing.

My question is: how can I ask him out without freaking him out?

I won't be at the job much longer, by the way, if that helps.

Sincerely yours,
In Need of Guidance

Goblin responds:
Hello hello hello! I'm beautiful and my poop keeps disappearing! Poop poop poop! Daddy says they're storing it in the planetarium and one day they'll take it out and make a big poop pyramid with my name on it!

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

Sometimes I poop twice and Daddy gets upset because he only brought one bag. Daddy says that each poop needs its own bag. Daddy said my job is eating and pooping and looking beautiful and that's enough for any little girl. Pretty pretty pretty! It's true that it's very tiring but I'd like to go to an office and work with very very very cute Boston terriers. Daddy says there's a glass ceiling for Boston terriers but I don't know what that means.

*snork whine lick*

Oh yeah. Advice. Who cares about age? I'm two and a half years old but no one cares. Age is just a number like the number of poops waiting in the planetarium. Poop poop poop! Who cares if he's your boss? My grandpa was my grandma's boss before Daddy was born. Daddy says today that would be called sexual harassment but thank god for it. Maybe you should wait until you leave your job though.

*lick lick fart*

Then write him an email and casually mention that you'd like to take him on a date sometime. This gives him the option of pursing the matter or pretending you didn't say anything. Make it seem like no big deal either way. If his reply is melodramatic just say casually that it's something that you wanted to try out. If he says yes then ask him out between a week and two weeks later.

*twirl*

If he says no then pretend you never asked and you will be able to stay friends! Friends friends friends! I have lots of friends like Sasha and Cassidy and the very fat woman who sits on her stoop. Everyone loves me! Me me me! I'm beautiful and my poop keeps disappearing!

David again. By the way, if anyone wants to write to a dog or her maniacal owner for slightly irreverent advice on any topic, feel free to click on the link below.