"Married by America" is the name of an upcoming reality series on—where else?—the Fox network. The premise is just as you might suspect: through a campaign of telephoned votes from viewers, two strangers are paired up and immediately wed to each other. This is the most inevitable programming decision short of "Armchair General," a series in which we all phone in to decide which country to bomb next, although I expect that may actually be scheduled for the fall season.

The most offensive thing about "Married by America" is the presumed novelty of it. "Is this not a lark?" we are asked. "Is this not progress? Why, you anonymous American citizens will actually get to decide who marries whom!" As if this has not happened for centuries. Due to the consensus of upstanding citizens just like yourself, it was until relatively recently illegal for a person to marry anyone outside of his or her race, a practice that is frowned upon in many areas even today. Thanks to those same busybodies, it is still illegal for a person to marry anyone of his or her own sex.

Not satisfied with this traditional and more general interference, television has given us a way to directly control the lives of our fellow citizens: who dates whom, who gets married to whom, who wins a million dollars. What could be next? Who gets to commit physician-assisted suicide? Who goes to the electric chair? Who is allowed to get an abortion? Who is allowed to get a divorce? Who is allowed to buy which house?

It is a bloodcurdling trend.

In the coming weeks, as the same President who wants everyone in America to own automatic rifles begins his war to disarm a country we armed in the first place, I propose we start a new trend. Is there a network out there that will back my new series, "Mind Your Own Damned Business"? It is a reality show in which ordinary people are allowed to live their lives as they choose, under the premise of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Except obviously, when I say reality, I mean utter fantasy.