Dear [David and] Goblin,

Almost everyone bores me. It's always cold and/or snowing. Somehow, a grotesque Muppet appears to have become President of the United States while I wasn't looking. I will be 40 in a mere two years, and yet I am neither rich nor famous.

So, Goblin, my question is this--why is it that whenever anyone says "I don't mean to be rude," it inevitably turns out that that is exactly what he or she does mean? What's the point of it? Why don't those people just say "I mean to be rude, and I am reveling in my own rudeness?"

Inquiring minds want to know.

Yours sincerely,

"Mystified"

P. S. One of my great-aunts had a Boston terrier whom she trained to use the toilet. Please note that I don't actually think that's a good thing. The other great-aunts ran more toward Pekingese.

David responds:
I hear you, sister. I once had a business partner who began just about every sentence with "I don't mean to be unkind, but . . ." invariably followed by some of the most unkind things ever uttered on this planet. Not that he was inherently an unkind person, although I cannot speak for those you bring to my attention.

Why do people do this? For the same reason they go on talk shows with the theme "Lesbian Threesomes with Mom" and make arrogant and hypocritical plans to attack resource-rich countries: people are animals.

(Incidentally, I do not mean to be rude, but you will find that you quickly become rich and famous if you refrain from using two spaces between your sentences. Sadly, I doubt this will not affect the grotesque muppet one way or the other; on the off chance it might give him a sty or a hangnail, I corrected this tendency in the letter you sent.)

Goblin responds:
Animals animals animals! People aren't animals! I'm an animal and I never say anything I don't mean! Everybody says to me "Good Goblin!" because I'm good good good! Daddy says I'm also pretty. Daddy says that I spend too much time sniffing around where other dogs went pee pee but I'm a good girl!

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

I don't want to use the toilet because then I won't be able to go outside and smell everything! Here's what I do. I run outside and go pee pee on the curb and then Daddy says go poop. Poop poop poop! And I want to go poop but I also want to find just the right spot. And the only way to find the right spot is to sniff!

*sniff sniff snork*

So I sniff sniff sniff around and find where the other dogs did their poops and pee pees. Then I find the one that smells the best and do my poop there so everyone will know that Goblin does the best poops in the city! But then Daddy takes it away! He says its better in the long run because they're going to build a pyramid with my poops and this will attract flying saucers to come find me and take me home.

*blink*

Oh yeah. Advice. Oh wait. You didn't ask for any. I don't know why people do anything. As long as they feed me it doesn't matter.

*lick*