Something is horribly wrong. Perhaps I am under a powerful curse or the retrograde Mercury is having a last laugh at my expense. Perhaps I am a target of the CIA or malevolent aliens or superintelligent talking mice.

Let us review my case:

1. Last month, I was notified that my DSL company, DirecTV DSL, was going out of business.

2. The next day, Earthlink called and said they would transfer my DSL over to themselves as a generous service to me. I need not do a thing, they assured, except wait for the modem to arrive.

3. The modem never arrived.

4. That is because Earthlink wrote "West 83rdq St." instead of "West 83rd St." on the shipping bill, and UPS was unable to decipher this mysterious alien code sufficiently to actually deliver the package. Instead, they dropped an explanatory postcard in the mail, addressed to me at West 83rdq St. The post office, quite accustomed to mysterious alien code, delivered the postcard the next day.

5. I wrote Earthlink a snarky email threatening to cancel my service before it began (because of the error in addressing, some lies they told while persuading me to sign up, and other shoddy customer service). They did not respond, so I cancelled the service and signed up with someone else.

6. The people I signed up with did not provide dial-up service along with the DSL (which I need for when I travel), so I signed up for yet another service, called Speakeasy. Speakeasy said I would be up and running in seven business days.

7. UPS brought my Earthlink modem at long last, upon which I refused delivery.

8. Ten business days later, my Speakeasy modem has not yet arrived.

9. To backtrack a bit, over last summer, the hinge on my Powerbook broke when Goblin knocked it off of my lap. I had resisted having it fixed earlier because the only shops that would repair it informed me it would take ten days to do so. I cannot afford to let my computer go for ten days.

10. I recently found another place that promised they would fix it in two days.

11. It is funny how quickly two days can turn into seven, but I finally got it back today.

12. Of course, I still have no DSL. In an attempt to dial into my account today using my modem, I discovered something else: my entire phone line is down. NOW I HAVE NO PHONE SERVICE.

13. I called Verizon who confirmed my dilemma and said that the problem was on their end. Fabulous. I may hear back from them today; I may not.

14. My cell phone does not work in my apartment.

15. I am completely shut off from the world.

16. The walls are closing in.

17. The voices in my head are telling me to do stuff.

18. Help.