Today, in a flurry of holiday madness, I went Christmas shopping. As it happens, I was in the appropriate mood. Insanity abounded; I was jostled and shoved and forced to wait in Disneyesque queues with my prospective purchases clutched to my heaving chest.

Out of a sense of peace and goodwill, I did not hit anybody.

Ho ho ho.

This is what happened: First, I went to ________ to see if there were a few ________ I could get for ________. There were, of course, hundreds, but in the circuslike atmosphere, I did not feel I had the presence of mind to choose among them. Then I went to a couple of stores on Broadway looking for a ________ for ________. I had found a few online that looked delightful, but it was not guaranteed that they would be delivered on time, and I found one at ________ that cost an extremely large sum of money, which I would not object to, except it did not look to be of particularly good quality. Because I was unsure as to whether I would find another one, I had them hold it for me. Luckily, however, I did find several other ________ at ________, a destination I chose at random, and I picked a great one at a much better price. In fact, I had budgeted so much extra money that I decided to pick up ________ on my way out, a fortunate discovery I would not have made had I not gotten lost in the store. I also bought a ________ for my ________, but on second thought, that might be more appropriate for ________. After leaving ________, I wandered across the street into ________, but their selection was terrible. On an impulse, I went into a ________ to see if they could ________ on my ________ so I could give it to ________, and they could! I also went into Staples to see if they happened to have Blumberg Form X201, the submission of which would allow me to do business under a more exciting alias, but they did not. I almost bought a paper shredder to make up for it, but I figured it would be a mistake to pack too much excitement into one day. Later, I met Joe for coffee, and later still, Rob and I met Mark for coffee. After Rob went home, Mark and I went to ________, where I found two more ________ for ________, which brings us up to ________. I still have to buy _______ for ________ and ________ ________ for ________. And it goes without saying that I still have to find ________ for ________ and pick up the ________ I made for ________ and ________.

I hope I did not ruin anyone's surprise. And as we all pause to remember the true meaning of this joyous season, allow me to point out that I wear a size medium shirt and am happy (and increasingly desperate) to accept large sums of cash.

Joy to the world.