Goblin Foo Uvula writes:

It's me it's me it's me!

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

Daddy said I could write over the weekend but Daddy is sick sick sick. Daddy won't let me touch his computer when he's not watching. Daddy's afraid I'll use his credit card to order things off the Internet or download porn.

Porn porn porn!

*snork*

Daddy said I got letters. Daddy won't let me read them just like Harry Potter. He says it will make me uppity. Daddy said Auntie Rindy wanted to know about my boots and someone wanted to know what is like for me to walk down the street. Street street street!

*snork lick lick fart*

OK my boots are fleece and held on by Velcro around my ankles. Sometimes when I walk down the street people call them booties. Yuck yuck yuck! Babies wear booties I don't wear booties. Daddy says I can't have babies because I've been spayed.

*sniff*

Here's what it's like for me to go out. Daddy says do you want to go oooout? I say yes yes yes and jump off the bed and run to the door. Daddy puts on my coat and harness and leash and grabs a poop bag from the closet. Then we go out and I run run run to the curb to go pee pee. Daddy says that's a good pee pee! I do good pee pees! Pee pee pee pee pee pee!

*twirl*

Then I walk down the street and Daddy walks behind me and says do you want to go poop? And I do I do I do want to go poop! But I need to find the right place! Daddy says go anyplace but he doesn't know what it's LIKE! When I find my place and poop Daddy picks it up in a plastic bag and carries it with us. Daddy says that they're making a pyramid of my poop somewhere and I should act surprised when I see it. Poop poop poop!

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

Then we go to the park and see all kinds of dumb things. I see dogs and growl growl growl. I like to fight! Daddy says I'm scrappy. Daddy says someone is going to bite my ears off. Daddy says I'm a bitch. Sometimes people have their dogs off of their leash and they come and get me! Daddy yells at them. I would like to go off my leash but Daddy says I will run away. I will chase squirrels! Evil evil evil squirrels!

*growl whine*

Daddy takes me to where squirrels go and we run around. I want to run faster and get squirrels! Even nighttime squirrels are good in a pinch. Daddy drags me away from the squirrels. Daddy says they will hurt me. Sometimes I try to eat off the sidewalk but Daddy says no no no!

I wonder where all my poop goes.

*lick*

(Daddy says he must be delirious for letting me write this. Daddy says he has a fever and will let me eat a Wheat Thin. He MUST be delirious!)