Time for more advice from David and Goblin Foo:

Dear Annie:
My son will be celebrating his 6th birthday soon, and I have scheduled a party for him and 10 of his friends at a local children's party place. I sent the invitations two weeks ago and put an RSVP number on them.

So far, one person has confirmed that her son is coming to the party. What should I do about the others? Is it OK for me to call these people and ask if their kids are coming or not? I don't want to do anything tacky. -- Mom in Delaware

David responds:
You will note we swiped your letter from "Annie's Mailbox," an opportunistic sequel to Ann Landers perpetrated by her former editors, who have yet to make any sadistic comments involving wet noodles. Perhaps it was tacky to do so, but no more tacky than scheduling a party for eleven six year olds at a "local children's party place" (a.k.a. Chuck E. Cheese). Or perhaps insane is a better word. Who is going to supervise all of those children? Believe me, you are much better off with only the two (your own and the one who was polite enough to respond), and the two of them will be happier to have all of the goodies you had planned to lavish on the larger group.

Here is what you do: call the other mothers and tell them that, in case they had planned on delivering their children to the party after all, that it has been cancelled. When they ask why, tell them pointedly it was from lack of interest. Then tell them, "My son plans on sitting in his room with the lights out on that day. He will spend his time praying to God for friends who are polite enough to answer invitations." That will take care of those mothers.

Then, on the day of the party, break the news to your son that nine of his ten friends have suddenly died from whooping cough. Console him by giving him an Xbox or a Playstation. Or let him drive the family car to Chuck E. Cheese. That will distract him, especially if it is a sports car. If he seems confident behind the wheel, you can even spare yourself the ordeal by staying home.

Goblin responds:
Party party party!

*snork*

Am I invited? Chuck E. Cheese looks like a giant nighttime squirrel. I saw two nighttime squirrels in the park tonight. They were playing. They have tails and I don't. Daddy says that they are rats and rats are dirty dirty dirty and keep walking Goblin and don't pull on the leash Goblin.

*lick lick lick lick lick lick lick*

I wish he spelled my name Goblyn instead of Goblin or maybe I should call myself Phoebe.

*hack* *yawn*

Oh yeah. Advice. Call up the other mothers and ask them if their kids are coming. It's not rocket science.