Maybe I am imagining things, but there is something a trifle insidious about TiVo. There is no doubt it is a wonder machine: I instructed it to record a few shows, and it has done so without a hitch. Thanks to TiVo, I have been able to watch multiple "Judge Judy" episodes I would otherwise have missed.

What disturbs me is the things it does of its own volition. What also disturbs me is that I had to rewrite the previous sentence several times to make sure that the subject and the verb agree, but I think I got it right. "The things it does of its own volition" modifies "what disturbs me," and since "what disturbs me" is singular, the proper verb is "is" even though "things" may lead us to believe otherwise. Right? Because otherwise it would have to be "What disturb me are the things it does of its own volition," which is grammatically correct but misleading because it is really doing only one disturbing thing multiple times. Oh good Lord, see how flustered I am?

Here is the problem: TiVo is recording things on its own, without orders and without permission. Sitcoms, mostly. Every day, I find more and more that I did not sanction, as if TiVo's 60GB hard drive is hungry and demands to be filled with junk food. Worse, it seems have paid careful attention to what I have recorded and is now saving shows that it thinks I might like. Ever since I programmed "Will and Grace," it has been serving up daily helpings of "Designing Women" and "The Golden Girls." It knows I am gay! Last night, Rob caught it trying to record "Married, with Children," which would seem to run counter to my hypothesis unless one considers the rumors about David Faustino (what ever happened to him, anyway?) and the revelations of Amanda Bierce.

There is also the matter of the red light that flips on in middle of the night, a glowing eye that watches me pretend to sleep. Sometimes, the light turns amber, and sometimes it starts out amber and turns red. What is it doing? What is it thinking? And whom is it calling on the phone? I would call the police, but I know what would happen: after I voice my concerns, they would run a quick analysis of the line and cry, "Get out! It's calling from inside the house!" Then I would run out and find a bloody hook embedded in the roof of my car.

Or, worse, a "Married, with Children" episode.