It is four o'clock in the morning, and I just got home from one of the worst travel experiences in my recent memory. My time in Rochester was lovely. I went to the airport three and a half hours early for my flight since my client's flight was earlier than mine. I sat and read. My U.S. Airways flight to New York Laguardia, supposed to leave at 7pm, was delayed because of traffic and thunder storms. I sat and read. My flight wad delayed further. I sat and read. My flight was delayed further. I sat and got into a conversation with a very nice woman who evoked Joe Pesci. My flight was cancelled, but I was transferred to another one that was supposed to arrive shortly. I sat and chatted with Ms. Pesci some more. My new flight was delayed. Ms. Pesci and I went out through security to the bar for a beer. New flight delayed more. Drank more beer. Delayed more. More beer. Delay. Beer. Delay Beer. Six beers. Ms. Pesci and I bonded.

At 10pm, the bar closed. A bunch of drunken straight people from an equally delayed jetBlue flight complained, but nothing could be done. An announcement came on that we all had to go back through security because it was closing.

We went back through security with our beers. I forgot some pocket change in the x-ray machine. Our flight was supposed to be leaving at 11:15. At 11:15 they announced it had not left the other airport yet, but that it would. I booked a flight on jetBlue to New York JFK and decided to leave on whatever came first. Ms. Pesci went home and invited me to use her guest room, but I really wanted to get back to New York City because Goblin was unattended.

My flight on U.S. Airways was canceled. jetBlue was delayed more, but they ordered pizza. I called Rob and fretted. He calmed me down. Another jetBlue flight, also going to New York JFK, started boarding. The rumor was there were extra seats, so I forced my way on board and got one. At 12:30am, it took off. I watched cartoons the whole flight. Batman, Superman, Aquaman, and other Superfriends cartoons. Robin and Aqualad have very similar voices. Ted Knight also did some voices, I noticed. I was very impressed with Aquaman because he swam to Africa from America in about five minutes, in time to save some simple natives from a swarm of killer bees. He also can swim as fast as Wonder Woman's invisible jet. If I had an invisible jet, I would not have been in that situation. Note to self: look into this.

We landed at 1:35am at New York JFK. Here I have to backtrack a bit. On Thursday, I realized that I had forgotten my PIN number from the ATM card I have had for ten years. Just completely forgotten it. I also have forgotten two phone numbers I use every day. I cannot explain this further except to say that I had only $26 in my wallet (I had spent the rest on beers), and no means of getting any more money. No one would take a credit card. A gypsy cab driver asked me if I needed a cab, and I said yes, but I only had $26. He said that he would take me to Manhattan if I could share the ride. I said fine. I got in. A shady looking man, whose business it apparently was to direct people into gypsy cabs, came and jumped in the car because he had just almost been arrested. The car drove off with me in the back seat. The two men in the front seat talked at length about eluding the police. One turned around and gave me a story I was supposed to tell if we got pulled over, because he thought the police were following us. I could not understand a word he was saying, but apparently it was very important I tell this exact story. I asked him where we were going, and he said they were going to go back and look for another customer. I wanted to get out, but we were on the highway. We got stuck in traffic on the way back into the airport. I tried to get out of the cab, but the doors would not open. Anyway, my suitcase was in the trunk. We finally got through the traffic and the two guys exited without letting me out. I contemplated climbing into the front seat, but the driver came back. I told him I needed to get out right then because I was going to be sick. He wanted to ask me for money, but I implied I was going to vomit on him at that instant. It was not far from the truth. He let me go.

While in the cab, I remembered what I had thought was my PIN number. I went all the way back into the airport to try it, but I was wrong. When I came out, I did not know what to do. There were no buses running at that time of night. A regular cab cost $38 (including toll). Another gypsy cab driver came up to ask me if I needed a ride, and I started to cry. I told him I only had $26, and he was very understanding, but he could not help me. The line for regular cabs was several hundred people long. I started walking up and down the line asking if anyone was going to Manhattan and could share a cab. The only people to answer were two Russian woman who had just flown in from Moscow. They said they were going to Manhattan and I basically forced myself into a cab with them. They were bewildered. I was grateful. The cab took them quite a bit out of their way, but they bore it stoically. I only know how to say "yes," "no," "what," "thank you," and two crude sexual invitations in Russian. I think I said "thank you" when I got out of the car, but they did look rather shocked, so I might have had a slip of the tongue.

So I got home at about 3:55am. I walked Goblin, who may have pooped on the floor, but I do not have the strength to look. Sorry, I wish this were written in a funnier style, but it was not very funny at the time. There are no sheets on my bed, but I need to sleep.