Goblin and I have decided to take a break from our endless work and our ongoing War Against the Malicious, Mocking Squirrels (formally classified as a police action) to bring a new feature to our beloved Upside-down Hippopotamus.

We have decided to become advice columnists.

How hard can it be? Not only are we both very wise, I can read tarot cards, and Goblin can read entrails. At least, I believe that is what she is doing to those entrails. (Goblin, put those entrails down this instant and pay attention!)

Here is our first effort.

Dear Miss Manners:
I am a vegetarian, and I am wondering what to do when responding to wedding invitations that offer a meal choice between two meat alternatives. I do not want to demand a "special meal" from my hosts. Do I not check any? Or check either one and tell the server at the wedding? Or do I just write vegetarian on the invitation?

David responds:
You will notice that I have swiped your letter from Miss Manners' inbox, an unmannerly maneuver in itself, but justifiable in that we required material for our debut, and it was not as if anyone else has bothered to write. Your letter fit the criterion of being short, and it captured my interest as a former vegetarian and as a confirmed wedding hater.

I cannot help but notice your simpering accommodation to hosts who are determined to be insensitive to the needs of the broader population, as well as unhealthy and politically incorrect. Indeed, you have been handed on a silver platter the perfect opportunity to save a few bucks and ditch the so-called festivities altogether. Granted, this will also mean missing the accompanying archaic customs, the open bar, and appearances in enough amateur video to launch a new cable network, but it is important to stand up for what you believe in. Besides, you would have more fun bowling or attending your own tonsillectomy.

Goblin Foo Uvula responds:
Meat meat meat!

*snork*

Can I go?

But Daddy I've only have one Wheat Thin all day! I saw a nighttime squirrel in the park and tried to follow it but Daddy said it was a rat. Dirty dirty dirty!

*lick lick lick lick lick*

Oh yeah. Advice. Shut up and go. And bring home a doggy bag.